ME BEFORE YOU
The me before you died was certain that I would go first. I’m not as strong as you are. You have a child and I don’t. You had finally found the love of your life and had such big plans.
The me before you died was always fearful of having to survive the loss of a loved one. I would get worried sick any time myself or my husband got hurt, wasn’t feeling good or needed medical attention. Sure that this doctor appointment is going to be the one where they sit us down and use the ‘C’ word.
The me before you died got up every day and put on makeup, curled my hair and dressed up for the day. Now I can hardly wear makeup because I could break down crying at any moment.
The me before you died wanted to live to the ripe old age of 100. Traveling, lunching with girlfriends, cooking big feasts for my family, playing cards late into the night.
The me before you died had a best friend with whom you could share everything with. That person who was the first person you called because you were happy, sad or even scared. The one person who gave you the best advice even if you didn’t want to hear it. The person that would show up at your house for the weekend and at least two of your planned outfits matched what I was wearing that day without even trying.
The me before you died dreamed of all the amazing trips I’d take, traveling through Europe. All the memories I’d make, many with you by my side.
The me now finds you in the sunsets, and in the “Amanda” moons. In the hummingbird visits. In laughter shared with friends and memories made with family.
The me now knows it’s okay if the tears come and to find peace in the memories. And to allow those memories to flow through me, even if it hurts.
The me now doesn’t want to live to be 100 but to simply live life to the fullest. The me now has decided to stop waiting, stop worrying about what others think.
The new me now is going to take the vacation to a nudist club, swim naked, celebrate my body, take the naked cruise, buy the wine, and eat dessert!
The me now is confident and new and wishing for the signs of the spirit of you.
But the me now knows you’re free, happy, and at peace.